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Why telling yourself to “Lighten Up!” will help you grow and lessen your stress
Most of us take our lives far too seriously. We fret and fume over every setback, lash ourselves with harsh words when we screw up, and set ourselves such ludicrously excessive targets it’s a miracle we aren’t more anxious than we are. We live in tiny, cramped, “me-centered” worlds, where everything that happens is, we believe, directed at us.
It rains when we’d planned to spend time outdoors; so the rain fell specially to ruin our day. Someone passes us by in the street, ignoring our greeting; we assume that they’re mad at us, or stuck-up, or deliberating snubbing our attempt to be friendly. Why couldn’t they simply be preoccupied, unobservant, or even slightly deaf? Why does it have to be about us?
Any sane person would laugh at such childish egocentrism. But then, even sane people fall into the trap of attributing results to the wrong causes. Most of our successes are due as much to luck as anything else. So are most of our failures.
Other people spend ninety percent of their waking hours thinking about themselves and their own concerns — just as you and I do — but we act as if they spend at least that amount of time worrying about us.
When do people perform best at any task, from sport to nuclear physics? When they’re relaxed, intent on what they’re doing and more of less oblivious of everything else. When they’re having fun. So loosen up, forget what others are thinking about you (mostly, they aren’t concerned with you at all), and enjoy your life. It’s the only one you have (so far as we know).
Try some fresh assumptions
I’m a strong advocate of thinking what most people would do in a given situation, then trying the opposite. In this case, most people will assume their inner doubts and worries reflect reality. So try the opposite.
- Tell yourself your doubts and fears are simply an over-active imagination and some temporary digestive problems.
- Make the assumption that your performance can obviously be improved with a little effort, a lot of practice, and fewer emotional tantrums.
- Tell yourself that, however bad it feels now, it’ll look better in the morning.
- Tell yourself that you can’t tell what other people are thinking, so it’s not worth worrying about that.
- Tell yourself that you might as well enjoy your life as feel miserable. Neither will change what has happened, but each one will likely produce a very different future.
See if doing this works. My guess is that it will. Even if it doesn’t — and why wouldn’t it? — you’ll feel better without all that pandering to your fears and anxieties.
Don’t fall for magical prescriptions
Don’t fall for the nonsense about the “magical” force of intention and affirmation. This will encourage you to create foolish expectations that you can do anything (no, you cannot) or reach the heights in no time (wrong again, it’ll take many years). What I’m suggesting is about what goes on inside you, not some magical way of bending the universe to your concerns.
Magical thinking like that encourages people to believe they can get what they want without effort, just by wanting it enough. It’s a fallacy.
Chance says sometimes people will get some amazing result with no apparent effort. That’s the nature of probability. Million to one chances happen. They hit the headlines. But they’re far less likely than being struck by lightning or meeting your favorite film star in the bathroom at a restaurant in Santa Monica.
Magic is totally unreliable. You can believe in it if you wish, but I wouldn’t place much faith in it delivering the goods; just as I wouldn’t recommend someone in bankruptcy to rely on winning the state lottery as a way to cure their financial problems.
If you want to have some realistic expectation of success, try taking steady, patient action. It’s not spectacular, nor will it deliver without effort, but you’ll be far less likely to end up disappointed and depressed.
And if you want to get more fun out of life, try lightening up and cutting yourself some slack.
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